I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
