My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
