it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
