Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have fence marks all over my body
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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