She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
