just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
