I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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