I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
