I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Please don't give away my fajitas
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
