I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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