We're facebook friends in real life
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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