Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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