i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
