how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
