I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
