Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
