I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
