Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
