my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
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bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
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IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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