we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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