I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
