I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
