I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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