Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
