My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
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I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
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They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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