Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
