I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
