i already hear my dad disowning me
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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