i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
