I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
