Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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