I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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