I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
