he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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