My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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