she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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