so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
