I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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