Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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