dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
