i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
