Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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