i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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