i just sent this text using only my big toe
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
