Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
