Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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