I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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