you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
