I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
