Soap is not a condiment
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
