I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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