I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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